It's time to reveal myself and speak my mind and you might not like it.

Since I don't want  you to follow me then I feel free to tell you the truth about what I have been up to for the past few weeks.  I needed to take some time off from teaching to get some "work" done.

2011 it’s my time

To reveal myself

And speak my mind

I can feel my joy,

I can feel my power,

I can feel my strength,

I’m on fire!

I am inspired to be

The best that I can be

That’s being me

Exactly as I am

I am enough,

I have enough

I have here to give it,

I am willing to live it

Trying is tiring

Being is freeing.

I wrote this intenSati series the month before I was about to take off for a few weeks. My daughter was 5 months old and there was some “work” I wanted to get done and I was afraid to reveal it, to tell the truth about it and I used this series to help me build the courage to be myself and reveal myself. One of the things Kat said to me on our first call was, stop trying to be yourself, just be yourself. What? Well I was getting my chance.

My students know a lot about me. I am very revealing and let them in on what is going on in my life.  It is certainly not always not easy, in fact it is the most challenging part about leading intensati. I had been on a high during my pregnancy and even afterwards I hadn't been really challenged by having to reveal anything to deep in a while. Well that time had clearly come to an end.  First let me clarify what I mean by “getting some work done”.  I was taking the time off to get a tummy tuck and have breast augmentation.  It was something I wanted to do even before having a baby. From years of gaining and losing weight the skin on my belly was very lose and saggy and I told myself that my goal was after I have a baby I was going to do it.  Since I was going in I thought I might as well do what I really wanted to do and that was lift my little size A to a perky B/C.  But my rule is to live out loud.  My mantra is be yourself, do what you want to do, be who you want to be and give others the freedom to do the same and yikes I certainly wanted to change my mind about my rule.  I did try to think of ways I could book an out of town “appearance” and just show up “refreshed” but I knew  I would never get away with it so it was either give up the surgery or tell the truth.  

Even though it wasn’t a hard decision between the two, I was so scared to tell the truth that I waited until the week before I was taking time off before I even mentioned it.  In the beginning of the week I shared about it and was pleasantly surprised at the support and love that I received.  Being a recovering people pleaser, the positive response did make me feel good but I was still really nervous. I had 2 more classes to go.  The next class was not as outwardly enthusiastic or positively responsive. There was a look of confusion on most of their faces, dead silence and even a few people hung out after class to try and convince me to change my mind.  Then the physical effect of the fear of speaking up caught up with me and by the last class before my time off I was conveniently getting laryngitis.  My voice was nearly completely gone.  I texted Kat and asked her to work on me and she texted me back, “breath deeply and affirm “I am free to ask for what I want and to express myself”

The next day she told me the energy in my throat was blocked and we talked through the fear I was having. The funny thing was I felt like I was having a session with myself! It is almost harder to hear someone tell you your own words back to you, it is humbling and again reminds me the importance of not calling myself an expert. I showed up to my last class voiceless. I had shared with this group the week prior so I felt a little 'off the hook" and the laryngitis was perfect that it gave me a great way to shift the attention.  Instead of sharing I wrote on the mirror and asked them to read it out loud as I wrote it.  I was actually writing the script that I wanted to hear them say to me and they beautifully recited it and I took it in. I wrote:

"I love you. I want you to be happy. I want you to want what you want and make no apologies for it. When you do you inspire me to do the same." Ah perfect! It felt so beautiful and freeing and led to a truly powerful and amazing class. I had no voice and it didn't matter. Everyone else took on being a leader instead of a follower.  What a magical moment and a beautiful lesson.

 So now I am sitting at home feeling so happy that I had the surgery and wondering where else have I not let myself want what I want?  Where have I been so afraid to tell people the truth about me to the point that there is such a powerful physical reaction? How is going even deeper in revealing myself going to affect my life, my health and my happiness?  It remains to be seen but I believe it will be well worth it.

In this past 2 months I have felt such a renewed sense of inspiration. I feel like something inside of me has been reignited.  I am feeling a shift happen simply by not looking at myself as an expert and taking off that title and instead calling myself a beginner with so much yet still to learn about myself, about how I live, about what I really want and who I really am. I am looking forward to finding out what I have to offer, to say, to bring forth that no one else has done before. 

So I urge you, not to follow me or anyone else but follow your heart, follow your own guidance.  Want what you want, love who you want to love, do what you want to do, say what you want to say and reveal your true self to the world. The truth is some people will like you and some people won’t.  Some people will applaud you and at the same time others will boo you.  If you are following your heart and willing to always be a beginner in the search for your Truth you will be busy looking within and realize “their” approval you can go without, it’s the approval of yourself that matters first. Simply write the famous words of the great Dr. Seuss on your wall, “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. 

STOP following! Lead!

Patricia