Monday, March 7, 2011

I had to let her go..The result of the difficult conversation

If you have been following the blog I just wanted to update you on my post on difficult conversations and the whistling nanny.  After much consideration I decided I should just let her go. What I mean is, I decided I should just let her go ahead and be herself and let her whistle.  After I thought about all the little pet peeves I have like when people snap their gum, make noise when they eat, don’t say the affirmations out loud in class, or don’t answer my emails in the frame of time I would like them to, I realized I will never rid the world of whistlers, gum snappers, loud chewers or people who are simply being themselves. I simply will have to change my self and practice what I preach, be yourself and inspire others to do the same.

So instead of asking my whistling nanny not to whistle I have simply decided to take it one day at a time. If I am doing some work at home and I feel I need the extra quiet, in the moment I will let her know what I need. In the meantime she is free to whistle. In fact, funny thing, I have caught myself whistling too.  It is amazing how something seemingly so small like this conversation can be a great opportunity to grow. I think everyone have great advice and I it is simply an in the moment opportunity to check myself and then follow through with the best I can do.

I also decided to find some great music to play in the house that all of us could enjoy, especially Olivia .I read a book called Power versus Force many years ago and was impressed by the impact music has on our energy and immune system not simply our emotions.  I don’t usually play music in the house because I hear it so much at work and I like silence but now I want Olivia to be exposed to fun music so I asked my friend and family music expert Lisa Pizza for some recommendations.  Her family band Laughing Pizza is dedicated to making music that is fun for the whole family. She has been my friend for years and I have always appreciated the dedication and the talent they have for making great music for but now I have a whole new appreciation for it. Here, check it out You can also join their facebook page. Love makes a family is one of my favorite songs!
 There are so many new responsibilities that come with being a mom and so many new fears to have to deal with and face.  Just when I thought I was getting good and dealing with my own fears my whole world has been rocked.  "Am I doing this right?" is always a question.  From her sleeping schedule to the foods she eats and the people and things we expose her to is always on my mind. 
The only thing I know for sure is "right" is that nothing matters as much as her feeling loved and that we do our best to be an example of that in our own lives in every way.  She certainly has an abundance of love from her two moms, her nanny and our friends and family and Kellen and I are certainly dedicated to exposing her to the best things we can.  

Maybe that is a good question for us all to ask ourselves when we have a question about what we are doing and if we are doing it "right" from feeding ourselves to the music or the people we expose ourselves to, "is this the most loving action I can take?" or "Am I making this decision from fear or love?"  

Leaving you with an affirmation from Ernest Holmes that soothes my hear. "No mistakes have been made, none are being made and none can be made"  You are free, go enjoy your day!

Hmm a good lesson thanks to my whistling nanny!
Don't forget this week only you get a 30% discount to the "Be Yourself bootcamp" A fun day filled with workouts and acting exercises led by me and an acting coach to help you feel the power of letting yourself be you.  Use the code BTIAdiscount

My sisters came to stay for a week and share some love! 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I don't need to change the world, Just me. Phew!: It's not personal it's the law.

I don't need to change the world, Just me. Phew!: It's not personal it's the law.: "I had such an aha moment yesterday when I was reading a book called 'Love and the Law' by Ernest Holmes a teacher of metaphysics and an ..."

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's not personal it's the law.

I had such an aha moment yesterday when I was reading a book called "Love and the Law" by Ernest Holmes a teacher of metaphysics and an authority on religious psychology.  It was when I read his explanation on the law of cause and effect and that it is a law, it cannot be broken, it is impersonal. The word impersonal particularly opened my mind.  The thoughts we think are the cause and there will always be an effect equal to the thought. We don't have to take it personally when things don't work out we simply have to change the cause, the thought.  We can now give up the feelings of unworthiness or the feelings of fear that it may not "work out" and we can simply see the effect, our life situation, and if we don't like it go to the source, our thinking, and become scientific about it. Change the thought.

That was really a new way of looking at it for me.  What gets me stuck sometimes is when I think if things aren't working out for me I must have either done something wrong or I am just not good enough. But when I step back and take an impersonal look at the situation and get to the root of the problem, my thinking, then I can simply work to uncover what fear or doubt or worry is still in place in my mind that had this effect manifest the way it did.

The other aha moment was also remembering that my work is never to make something happen but to allow it to happen. When I think that I have to make something happen I can only succeed to the extent that I believe in my own capabilities but if my only part of the co-creative process is to control what I give my attention to knowing that the law of cause and effect then takes over and Universal Mind then simply reflects back to me in physical manifestation of my thoughts then I can open my mind up to bigger possibilities. Did  you get that?

I have to say one of the practices that has made the biggest difference in my life over all is meditating.  The past month one of the assignments I gave the intenSati leaders as homework to do was to develop a meditation practice and I suggested "getting into the vortex" Esther and Jerry Hicks. I have given meditating as a assignment before but met with so much resistance and many never followed through. This assignment was given following a month of focusing on keeping your word to yourself so I think that made a big difference. The feedback and the breakthroughs they were sharing was inspiring to me!

It is something so simple yet so many people resist doing it.  If we live in a world governed by law and that means you can count on it, it is not personal, just like the law of gravity, you will fall not fly if you jump off a cliff, then the way to living a life you really want to live will depend on your ability to choose what you think and give your attention to.

"I will send forth my word and it shall not return void."

My number one suggestion for anyone who really wants to make changes in their life is to start a meditation practice. We have been given the key to the kingdom of living a life of health, wealth, joy and success and access to it is choosing thoughts that affirm it. You are always at cause and you are living the effect. I think that is great news!

I suggest if you are beginning a meditation practice to start with ''Getting into the vortex" it's a 15 minute guided meditation and it's powerful.


I am not good at having difficult conversations. What would you do?

(check out www.satilife.comPeaceLoveWorld my new favorite clothing line! Scroll down and click on the ad)

I was at a meeting the other day with a new clothing company I LOVE!! Peaceloveworld and everyone in the meeting was calling me "Patty".  Every time I heard the name Patty I felt myself cringe a little. Was I going to have to tell everyone in the meeting I don't like to be called Patty? Not only do I not like it, I hate it!  I was checking out the new line at the Javits center.  I am looking forward to a long-term relationship with them so I talked myself into saying it. "It's ok, I thought, I have to tell them, how can I possibly go on and on being called Patty? I am going to have to say it sooner or later I guess I better say it now".  So I stop the meeting and just say, "can I just make a quick announcement and say this to everyone all at once, I really don't like to be called Patty, would you please call me Patricia."  Alina the designer said, "I don't call you Patty, I call you Patricia".  "No you definitely call me Patty. Everyone looked a little puzzled but enthusiastically confirmed they would never call me Patty. I was so proud of myself for speaking up. I felt like wow, I am really getting better at having these difficult conversations. Then after the meeting I hear "Patty! can you come here?" I looked up stunned that someone had already forgotten and realized, "OH NO! GULP! Patty is their assistant. They hadn't been calling ME Patty! Well, I still get points for speaking up!

Scratching the surface on being myself was easier than really going to the next level.  I guess just like anything it’s the last 5lbs that really take all of your commitment and excellence.  Where in my life have I stopped at following through completely on something because I it was just easier not to have the difficult conversations.  I am instead working on getting better at having difficult conversations with grace.

When it comes to being myself 100% one area that has been so hard for me all my life is to speak my mind. When something bothers me to say it instead of hold it in and let it build up.  On a scale of 1-10, I am measuring myself against Kellen who says absolutely everything, anytime, to anyone, asks for everything she wants and gives her opinion if she has one whether you asked for it or not.  It is one of the things I love so much about her.  I sometimes cringe and say, “how can you say that!!?!  I am about a 4. I used to be a 0!

The conversations that are easy to have are the ones with my students or my teachers or people who pay me to give them my opinion, feedback, support and ideas but otherwise I get stuck!

One came up for me the other day and I really wonder what you would do? It seems like such a silly thing and I don’t even want to write about it because will I look like a grouch or will it seem so silly that you wouldn’t even think twice about saying something.  Ok here is the scene:

Olivia is now 5 ½ months old. We found great help that I love. I work at home most of the time and I really needed someone who I felt comfortable around and I would be happy to have in my home, with our daughter and in my workspace. We found her.  Recently when I am home she whistles while she works and it bugs me.  I don’t play music and usually have the TV off.  I like it peaceful.  When she started the whistling I was like Ugh! Seriously. Now what. Do I yell out, STOP WHISTLING! Like I really want to do.  As soon as I thought the thought I was then thinking, “are you kidding? Really? You are really going to tell her she can’t whistle? That is like the footloose movie where the church banned dancing!

So what do I do? It is shared space and it is my home. I know that she is NOT going to mind, she is the sweetest but is it really something I can ask someone not to do? If I don’t say it then that is worse right?  Wouldn't I want someone to just say it?  I would think it was ridiculous for them not to say it. 

I think I am worried about her feeling badly and I am imagining her going home to tell her husband that her boss told her to stop whistling today!

Oh it makes me kind of giggle and kind of not.  This morning Kellen and I were getting ready for the day in the bedroom and we hear her whistling in the other room.  I asked Kellen “really, am I going to look like a scrooge?  She didn’t know what that meant, so I just laughed and dropped it. It obviously doesn’t bother her or else she would have said it long ago!! 

Seriously I haven’t decided if I am going to have the conversation yet, I have been trying to do things to have her naturally not want to whistle like blasting the music so loud that she can’t whistle or going into the other room and shutting the door.  See what I mean about blowing things out of proportion when the conversation could have been had last week!  It’s like when someone is snapping their gum.  I try, try , try not to let it bother me except for once when I was shopping with my friend George for my wedding dress and he was snapping his gum and after 15 minutes we were at the counter looking at earings at Saks and I couldn’t take it and in front of the sales woman I put my hand up to his mouth and said “give it to me!!!!!”.  He has never let me forget that. We laugh about it all the time! 

Well I seriously needed some advice on this so I emailed Laruen Zander from Handel Group personal coaching a friend who has also coached me through many difficult conversations and asked for her advice.  (btw you can get her info off my website)
Here is her reply:

With most difficult conversations we advise tactful honesty. We teach our clients to balance "grace" and "wisdom," the grace takes care of the other person, the wisdom takes care of you. You have to make sure you get your point across, but in a way the person can hear it without getting too defensive. For example, in this case Julie, you know how much I love your work and appreciate you and I know I can be very picky but there is this one thing that is bothering me, are you open to discussing it?" When she says yes..."It's embarrassing to admit something so petty, but the sound of whistling really bothers me, do you think you could limit that in earshot of me?"  Then listen to her feelings on the subject.
Step 1-set up a time to talk, ask permission
Step 2-frame the conversation with big picture of how you feel about and what you want for the relationship (positive)
Step 3-tell the truth
Step 4-listen to their response and be willing to change your position

Obviously I need to work on this area. I am still not sure I am going to have the conversation yet. What would you do?