(check out www.satilife.comPeaceLoveWorld my new favorite clothing line! Scroll down and click on the ad)
I was at a meeting the other day with a new clothing company I LOVE!! Peaceloveworld and everyone in the meeting was calling me "Patty". Every time I heard the name Patty I felt myself cringe a little. Was I going to have to tell everyone in the meeting I don't like to be called Patty? Not only do I not like it, I hate it! I was checking out the new line at the Javits center. I am looking forward to a long-term relationship with them so I talked myself into saying it. "It's ok, I thought, I have to tell them, how can I possibly go on and on being called Patty? I am going to have to say it sooner or later I guess I better say it now". So I stop the meeting and just say, "can I just make a quick announcement and say this to everyone all at once, I really don't like to be called Patty, would you please call me Patricia." Alina the designer said, "I don't call you Patty, I call you Patricia". "No you definitely call me Patty. Everyone looked a little puzzled but enthusiastically confirmed they would never call me Patty. I was so proud of myself for speaking up. I felt like wow, I am really getting better at having these difficult conversations. Then after the meeting I hear "Patty! can you come here?" I looked up stunned that someone had already forgotten and realized, "OH NO! GULP! Patty is their assistant. They hadn't been calling ME Patty! Well, I still get points for speaking up!
Scratching the surface on being myself was easier than really going to the next level. I guess just like anything it’s the last 5lbs that really take all of your commitment and excellence. Where in my life have I stopped at following through completely on something because I it was just easier not to have the difficult conversations. I am instead working on getting better at having difficult conversations with grace.
When it comes to being myself 100% one area that has been so hard for me all my life is to speak my mind. When something bothers me to say it instead of hold it in and let it build up. On a scale of 1-10, I am measuring myself against Kellen who says absolutely everything, anytime, to anyone, asks for everything she wants and gives her opinion if she has one whether you asked for it or not. It is one of the things I love so much about her. I sometimes cringe and say, “how can you say that!!?! I am about a 4. I used to be a 0!
The conversations that are easy to have are the ones with my students or my teachers or people who pay me to give them my opinion, feedback, support and ideas but otherwise I get stuck!
One came up for me the other day and I really wonder what you would do? It seems like such a silly thing and I don’t even want to write about it because will I look like a grouch or will it seem so silly that you wouldn’t even think twice about saying something. Ok here is the scene:
Olivia is now 5 ½ months old. We found great help that I love. I work at home most of the time and I really needed someone who I felt comfortable around and I would be happy to have in my home, with our daughter and in my workspace. We found her. Recently when I am home she whistles while she works and it bugs me. I don’t play music and usually have the TV off. I like it peaceful. When she started the whistling I was like Ugh! Seriously. Now what. Do I yell out, STOP WHISTLING! Like I really want to do. As soon as I thought the thought I was then thinking, “are you kidding? Really? You are really going to tell her she can’t whistle? That is like the footloose movie where the church banned dancing!
So what do I do? It is shared space and it is my home. I know that she is NOT going to mind, she is the sweetest but is it really something I can ask someone not to do? If I don’t say it then that is worse right? Wouldn't I want someone to just say it? I would think it was ridiculous for them not to say it.
I think I am worried about her feeling badly and I am imagining her going home to tell her husband that her boss told her to stop whistling today!
Oh it makes me kind of giggle and kind of not. This morning Kellen and I were getting ready for the day in the bedroom and we hear her whistling in the other room. I asked Kellen “really, am I going to look like a scrooge? She didn’t know what that meant, so I just laughed and dropped it. It obviously doesn’t bother her or else she would have said it long ago!!
Seriously I haven’t decided if I am going to have the conversation yet, I have been trying to do things to have her naturally not want to whistle like blasting the music so loud that she can’t whistle or going into the other room and shutting the door. See what I mean about blowing things out of proportion when the conversation could have been had last week! It’s like when someone is snapping their gum. I try, try , try not to let it bother me except for once when I was shopping with my friend George for my wedding dress and he was snapping his gum and after 15 minutes we were at the counter looking at earings at Saks and I couldn’t take it and in front of the sales woman I put my hand up to his mouth and said “give it to me!!!!!”. He has never let me forget that. We laugh about it all the time!
Well I seriously needed some advice on this so I emailed Laruen Zander from Handel Group personal coaching a friend who has also coached me through many difficult conversations and asked for her advice. (btw you can get her info off my website)
Here is her reply:
With most difficult conversations we advise tactful honesty. We teach our clients to balance "grace" and "wisdom," the grace takes care of the other person, the wisdom takes care of you. You have to make sure you get your point across, but in a way the person can hear it without getting too defensive. For example, in this case Julie, you know how much I love your work and appreciate you and I know I can be very picky but there is this one thing that is bothering me, are you open to discussing it?" When she says yes..."It's embarrassing to admit something so petty, but the sound of whistling really bothers me, do you think you could limit that in earshot of me?" Then listen to her feelings on the subject.
Step 1-set up a time to talk, ask permission
Step 2-frame the conversation with big picture of how you feel about and what you want for the relationship (positive)
Step 3-tell the truth
Step 4-listen to their response and be willing to change your position
Obviously I need to work on this area. I am still not sure I am going to have the conversation yet. What would you do?
Peace,
Patricia
I totally understand your reservations to tell her to stop whisteling, but you have to do it! Do it today and when I come home and I want you to tell me : I DID IT AND SHE WAS FINE!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI just had to tell my new assistant today that she needs to speak in a lower tone of voice and that her voice was too loud, GULP! But she was ok too.
Have the conversation, just as your friend advised. But first consider what your position would be if Julie says she absolutely has to whistle while she works, or if she says she's not aware that she's whistling. Know your bottom line BEFORE you speak up.
ReplyDeleteYou're WORKING from home. Tell her you are so glad to see her happy and sharing her little tunes with Olivia,but it is distracting you from your work,from your thoughts,from your inner peace. Tell her to limit her whistling to when you are not home. You will never get what you want if you don't ask for it. I learned that from my good friend Patty! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI would first try to see if I could let it stop bothering me, i.e. ignore it. Sometimes these things go away on their own, as soon as you stop focusing so much on them. Maybe she's in a brief whistle-while-you-work phase that will pass on its own. Sounds like this is what you have been doing but whistling has not subsided yet. I do wonder, however, why blasting music would be a palatable solution when it is so much louder. You said you didn't like the whistling b/c you like the quiet, which is understandable. But the thought of doing something more noisy than the whistling suggests maybe it's just the mere fact of whistling that is so irksome to you, rather than the noise. That is fine, we all have our things, but I would question myself about whether there is something beneath that. For me, it might bother me that the person was seemingly unaware of me or my perception of the whistling. Also I might get upset that they weren't reading my *hints* b/c I would think I would be very sensitive to that if the roles are reversed. BUt it's not really fair to expect people to read our minds, or even our social cues. I am definitely a direct person and probably more like a 7 about these things, but I also am less bold about speaking my mind when worrying about hurting someone's feelings about something arguably petty like this. I.e., this is exactly the type of thing that would be hard for me to say for all of the reasons you pose, yet I could see it bothering me. Honestly, I'd probably raise it in the context of a one-time offense rather than make it seem like a big deal, which IMHO is what I would personally worry Lauren's advise might do. When people give a lot of lead-in about something seemingly small, "there is one thing that has been bothering me. Are you open to discussing it?" I get where that is coming from but seems more appropriate for spousal-type relationship. If my boss said that to me and then brought up *whistling* I just feel it would annoy more than her just blurting out casually, "do you mind not whistling, it's hard for me to focus." I'd maybe say that a couple of times, casually, like it was just occurring to me right then and there. Then, if it still continued, I'd have the talk Lauren suggested. My two cents, just since you asked.
ReplyDelete